Mending Broken Fences

Today I’m taking a huge step and sitting down with an old friend of mine that I at one point considered to be a brother. Life situations and disagreements stepped in and caused a major shift in our relationship.  After my daily devotion, I pulled a huge message away from it.

Relationships are always worth restoring. 
Because life is all about learning how to love; God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict. In fact, the Bible tells us that God has given us the ministry of restoring relationships. For this reason a significant amount of the New Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one another. Paul wrote, "If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,... Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends." Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity.

If you want God's blessing on your life and you want to be known as a child of God, you must learn to be a peacemaker. Jesus said, "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." Notice Jesus didn't say, "Blessed are the peace lovers," because everyone loves peace. Neither did he say, "Blessed are the peaceable," who are never disturbed by anything. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who work for peace" those who actively seek to resolve conflict. Peacemakers are rare because peacemaking is hard work.

Because you were formed to be a part of God's family and part of your purpose in life on earth is to learn how to love and relate to others, peacemaking is one of the most important skills you can develop. Unfortunately, most of us were never taught how to resolve conflict.

Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it is actually cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never afraid of conflict. On occasion he provoked it for the good of everyone. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and sometimes we need to resolve it. That's why we must pray for continual guidance.

Peacemaking is also not appeasement. Always giving in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to always run over you is not what Jesus had in mind. He refused to back down on many issues, standing his ground in the face of evil opposition.

As believers, God has "called us to settle our relationships with each other." Here are a few steps to restoring fellowship:

Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you would just pray more about them.

Use prayer to ventilate vertically. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to him. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel.

Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs can only be met by God. When you expect anyone-a friend, spouse, boss, or family member-to meet a need that only God can fulfill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness. No one can meet all of your needs except God.

The apostle James noted that many of our conflicts are caused by prayerlessness: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? ... You want something but don't get it.... You do not have, because you do not ask God." Instead of looking to God, we look to others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us. God says, "Why don't you come to me first?"

Always take the initiative. It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship. He said, "If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.”

When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or promise, "I'll get around to it someday." Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.

Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered," besides making us miserable. Job's friends reminded him, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do" and, "You are only hurting yourself with your anger.”

The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing the right time and place to meet. Don't meet when either of you are tired or rushed or will be interrupted. The best time is when you both are at your best.

Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own. The phrase "look out for" is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words telescope and microscope. It means pay close attention! Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don't agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." We all act beastly when hurt.

In contrast, a man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me." The cliché is true: People don't care what we know until they know we care.

To restore fellowship "we must bear the `burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.... Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good." It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you. Christ did not indulge his own feelings ... as scripture says, “The insults of those who insult you fall on me.”

Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes. First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, "Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?" If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves.

Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person's anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don't make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

Attack the problem, not the person. You cannot fix the problem if you're consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper fire. You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.

In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. God tells us, "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is." Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you're abrasive.

During the Cold War, both sides agreed that some weapons were so destructive they should never be used. Today chemical and biological weapons are banned, and the stockpiles of nuclear weapons are being reduced and destroyed. For the sake of fellowship, you must destroy your arsenal of relational nuclear weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words; the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.

Cooperate as much as possible. Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody. Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need. You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. We often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. The same diamond looks different from different angles. God expects unity, not uniformity, and we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.

This doesn't mean you give up on finding a solution. You may need to continue discussing and even debating, but you do it in a spirit of harmony. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet, not necessarily the issue.

After reading this whom do you need to contact? With whom do you need to restore fellowship? Don't delay another second. Pause right now and talk to God about that person. Then pick up the phone, make a call or text, and begin the process. These steps are simple, but they are not easy. It takes a lot of effort to restore a relationship. Work hard at living in peace with others. But when you work for peace, you are doing what God would do. That's why God calls peacemakers his children.

Thank God for Closed Doors

Good morning folks. First I would like to say thank you to God for keeping me and my loved ones safe after the tragic events that occurred yesterday in Washington, DC. Secondly, I would like to send my prayers and condolences to the families and friends of those that lost someone due to that senseless act.

I woke up this morning and saw on a friend's Facebook page a quote that stated, "Opening the door to your future requires shutting the door to your past." And it seems like for the past couple of weeks I have been reminded of this in some shape or fashion.

Once you have taken the time to 'reflect' and 'review' the past year you've come to that wonderful moment of closure. Before you can begin to manifest what you desire for your life you will need to go back and close a few doors that may stay open and cause a very bad draft!

Have you ever noticed when you are in a room and a door is even slightly ajar you can't help but periodically glance over to see if anyone is going to come through? Similar to that open door, if you have missed something from your past you keep looking over your shoulder and in the process, you generally miss the wonderful experiences in your present. If you haven't placed some kind of closure on these past events or in other words, 'shut the door', subconsciously you will still have your mind on them.

No doubt you have heard it said, "When one door closes, another one opens." In your meditations and dreams, doors represent opportunities that are before you. It is always up to you to either stand outside a closed door or push it open and step on through into a new adventure. It is always wise to let a door close behind you, realizing that you are now through with that life experience and are now prepared to move on to the next challenge. It can be scary stepping outside of your comfort zone but it can also be exhilarating, enlightening, and empowering. You have to go through the doorway in order to experience what is on the other side.

Trying and learning new things can be overwhelming if you allow it to be. You must remember that you didn't always know how to walk, talk, drive, cook, read and write. These were skills that you developed as you grew. As children you welcomed learning without over analyzing the process. It wasn't until you got older and realized the fear of failure that you began to hold yourself back. Through self-awareness you will learn that you never really failed but instead completed a life lesson.

Think over the past year and see if you can recognize doors that you opened in order to take advantage of new opportunities. Did you take a chance and step out of what had become your comfort zone? Do you feel you have left some doors ajar or swinging in the wind that you need to go back and close? Look at where you are now and notice that you have moved forward on your life's journey.

Are there more doors ahead of you? Well of course there are! It is hard to tell just how many doors await you, but be sure that it is all up to you which ones you will open, which ones you leave closed and whether or not you step back and just wait and hope that the door will open all on its own.

Caution: when shutting doors it is extremely important that you remove anything and anyone who is stuck in the way of it's closing! Simply pretending things didn't happen or you can forget about them does not release the hold they have on you. You need to face the memories and come to terms with them: give forgiveness where needed, release pain, admit to mistakes made and embrace the lessons learned. You will gain a sense of freedom and lightness, as the chains that once bound you are broken. Renewed inner strength will empower you, enabling you to unlock the door(s), which lie ahead. As you venture forward, do so with the same innocence that you processed as a young child allowing you to embrace the moments of learning and growth as though it were for the very first time.

As you close the door to your past experiences, remember to give thanks for the opportunity to have gone through that life lesson and take from it at least one positive memory. Cut any cords that may still hold you back then make your exit! Step through that doorway with eyes wide open and greet whatever awaits you with the knowing that you have become stronger, wiser and have the power within and around you to go through anything. Once closure is made you will be ready to focus on what it is you desire and smile.

Be blessed.


DC Southern Gent.

Holding my Head Up: Ten Foot Stilettos

I have received immense feedback regarding my recent post.  Most of which never knew that I was experiencing so many of the same emotions as them.  Well folks, I'm human just like y'all.  One of my good friends told me that out of all of his friends, I hold it together the best. So well that no one would ever know that I was traveling against the grain battling so many of life's hardships and pains.

I can only hold it together for so long until everything crumbles like a Jenga tower.  Over the past few days my phone, email, and Facebook inbox has been inundated with messages stating that they saw my ex and someone that I thought was just a "friend" of my ex being intimate in a public setting.  Most did not know that we were no longer together and were sharing this information with me for my own awareness.  While others I feel may have been doing this out of spite and hatred.  Either way, that Jenga tower is swaying left and right.  I keep asking myself, "How could he move on so quickly?" Was he seeing this person while we were together?  Was this person plotting the entire time to break-up our relationship? Was the love he proclaimed ever genuine?  Well, I have to tell myself that the moments I shared with him were good and I can not fester over the ending.

When I use the words "men" and "rebound" in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren't the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.

So, what causes men to move on so quickly from a breakup with you to the arms of another person? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn't at all broken up about your breakup, that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, "Another One Bites The Dust." Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong.

You see, when men invest emotionally in a relationship, their feelings run as deeply as yours, whether they show it or not. So, when their relationship crumbles, it causes a huge emotional void. Unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can't cry to their friends, seek solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of "Rocky Road."

If they thought that kind of behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and "walking it off" are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male "comrades-in-arms."

So, what's a guy to do? He's hurting, but he can't tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam to dull his pain (he preferred Mark West Pinot Noir). Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship.

How does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotionally and sexually. And, the sooner, the better, for it is this new person who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled man that he is supposed to be. He or she facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.

The speed in which a man moves from a bitter breakup to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he's feeling -- the deeper the hurt, the quicker the hookup. I guess that says a lot for my ego eh? So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your breakup, don't write him off as a horny, uncaring, trollop. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who's to judge?

Be Blessed.

DC Southern Gent.

Moving On: It's Never Easy, but Necessary

These past few weeks have been some of the most trying and emotional for me.  I went from having the love of my life to having nothing.  Started a new position with an incredible organization.  Went on vacation with friends to a luxurious and peaceful island, only to return to the world that I thought was resolved and improved.

Today I have made the decision to move on. Not for anyone else, but for me.  I have made the decision to be selfish in the sense that my well-being comes first!  What good am I to others when I am not taking care of myself?  This is not an easy decision for me, but it is necessary.

I have sought out advice from family, friends, and most importantly God on how I should proceed.  I've been told to burn things (lol), start dating someone new, or just hold out because things are not over yet and he will come back.  I think I will forgo all of those options and take heed to something I was recently told: STAY STILL.  

It’s never easy when a significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things you can do to get through this difficult time and move on. You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.  All of which I have been experiencing

Recovering from a breakup is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

There are three things that I have to remind myself in this process:

• Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings.

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

• Give yourself a break.

Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.

• Don’t go through this alone.

Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

So funny how quickly life changes. I became comfortable even when certain signs were brighter than the banners shining in Time Square.  This is my time to learn, live, and love again.

Feel free to leave your opinions and ask questions. I'm far from an expert, but I do have a perspective.

Be Blessed.

Can We Be Friends?

In most relationships, the time to say goodbye usually arrives at one point or another -- unless you intend to walk down the aisle, of course (and even then...). With your ex, you've shared memories that will either make you laugh or cry, and it's time to take your experiences, put them in your back pocket and move on. But somewhere on the road of parting ways couples feel the need to promise to stay friends -- which ultimately leads to more broken promises.

So, can you ever be friends with your ex? Does it have to be all-or-nothing?

Although it would make things much easier in the dating world, relationships rarely see mutual breakups. One person is usually the heartbreaker, while the other mulls over the breakup for weeks, even months. It's never easy to break up with someone you've shared good times with (and even if they were bad times, they were still times).

But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We can still be friends." This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.

Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.

So now the dumper can move on with their life with ease, and with the pleasure of having coffee with their former mate every so often. The person who got dumped, however, has the pleasure of being constantly reminded of the person who ripped out their heart when they receive friendly messages and e-mails.

Obviously, these messages on the voicemail and coffee dates don't last long, and if they do, they end even worse than the breakup.

So, having considered all this, can you ever be friends with your ex? I say no.

Although it may be possible to have casual sex with a friend, even this can damage a relationship. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been intimate with someone. You will always have an image of that person naked, and memories of the trysts will always be triggered by the smell of his or her skin or fragrance, or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.

And as thick-skinned as you are, it's hard to see the person in the same light after being entangled in each other's skin and sharing a moment of sheer ecstasy with one another.

As hard as two exes try to stay friends, they can never really confide in each other. How do you tell your ex that you have a hot date tonight or that you and your new lover are going away on a steamy getaway? You can't even tell your ex that the reason you're smiling so much is because a woman or man has just pleasured you like never before.

You can tell them these things, but new lovers and mates are always going to be a sensitive issue. It's even harder to tell them how hurt you were that your date stood you up the other night, thanks to your sense of pride.

Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are, however, we'll never actually know how they really are.


Since breakups are rarely one-sided, one party will always feel resentment or bitterness toward the other. Even if your ex is feigning friendship, they're not sincerely your friend. If it seems like plans with your new potential mate are always being sabotaged, they just might be.

And where there's bitterness, there's jealousy. And the truth of the matter is that it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when they've just found the new love of their life.

It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to cuddle up to, even if our feelings have somewhat faded. It becomes a race of who will find the new lover first, a challenge especially brought on by the person who was dumped. Even for the person who did the breaking up, the thought of someone else taking your place in the memories that you and your ex shared is hard, and sometimes extremely painful to fathom.

Even if your relationship was completely problem-ridden, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists (unless lack of attraction was the reason for your breakup). This is a recipe for disaster because it means that every time you get together under this new "friendship" premise, the lust and passion you have makes it more likely that you'll end up in "one more" night of unbridled "goodbye" sex, for old times' sake. This brings you right back to square one -- how you felt right after your breakup, and just when you were doing so well.

Leaving the past behind is hard enough, and you don't want part of your past still programmed in your cell phone. Although it's easier for the dumper, recovering from a breakup is still a hard thing to do since it means being single again, getting back into the dating scene and no longer making that daily goodnight call you and your ex used to share.

But having that person lingering in your life as a constant reminder makes it even harder to move on with your life, meet new people and turn a fresh page. It's almost like keeping one foot in the past, and another struggling to make it back into the pickup scene.

It also might be a better idea to leave things with pleasant memories of the other person, rather than drag the potentially doomed relationship through the mud.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it's impossible. Unless the two of you were the best of friends before, both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup, both have no qualms about either of you seeing new people, and have both instilled a policy of total honesty, you're better to leave the friendship behind... along with the memories.

Until next time... Be Blessed.
DC Southern Gent.

Abrupt Ending

This song keeps playing...

Where do I begin with this... Never would I have thought that I would be in this position, but I am.  I'm going to be starting a new position with an incredible organization. I leave for vacation to Nantucket in less than a week.  And I would be leaving this trip with the love of my life.

This all ended when the words, "I'm no longer happy," came out of his mouth.  Every moment I inhale,  I'm surprise that air is coming into my lungs.  I honestly feel abandoned, left to wonder aimlessly blind in an unknown world.

I'm a catch, right?  I have a great career, I'm honest, I'm loving, I'm God fearing, I'm committed.  But I guess now I'm damaged.  I know (at least want to believe) that one day I will be ok, but at this current moment I don't see that happening.

What do I do from this point on? Do I continue to pursue what I believe is meant for me? Just lost, completely lost.

Starting Over

Wow...

I can't believe I've finally broke down decided to start one of these. I know this is going to be healthy for not only me, but also those that read this. My main goal from this is to share my thoughts and ideals. My life long regrets and achievements. Finally, the experiences that have scared me to death, made me cry, smile, laugh, cringe, and anything else in between.

I will keep this annonymous for the security of myself and those that I discuss. So sit back and get ready.