1. When it comes to the tough
questions, why do I lack answers?
As any single person knows, close
friends and family try to help you by asking you a lot of questions, like:
"Why are you so picky? What do you want?" These inquiries may cause
you to stay up at night, wondering why you are so picky or what you want
exactly… because you don’t know why or what. You'll feel more and more
unsure about yourself, and keep circling around these issues.
Here’s my thought: If you don’t
know the answer to these kinds of questions, then… you aren’t picky and you
don’t need to know what you want. These subjects don't set off any fire alarms
in your soul. They don’t apply to you. Throw them away.
Whereas, if a friend asks you, “Why
do you always end up with a guy who disappoints?” and you suddenly want to
punch them and hug them at the same time -- because you’re so embarrassed,
because it’s so true, because you’re too intimidated to approach the right
guys, because your brother always called you horse face, because you still
think of yourself as clumsy and awkward and wrong, even though junior high is
long over and you’re successful and (other people say) attractive -- then you
need to do some thinking. And then some rethinking.
The questions that help you build
bridges to intimacy are the ones that you have one, two, or 47 screaming
immediate answers to, answers that fill you with a flood of excruciating but
valuable insight.
2. Do I have a love success
pattern?
The greatest thing about love, I
believe, is that it’s the most democratic of human experiences. Anybody can do
it, and just about everybody does it (with the exception of sociopaths). What
some of us forget to value or recognize is that even if we aren’t doing it in a
romantic way, we’re doing it in other ways -- and doing it well.
Look at the people you love and who
love you back. Now take out the family members, because you didn’t choose them.
This leaves your friends. Narrow these down to the three you have the strongest
relationship with, the ones who you trust in any situation. At first glance
they may seem dissimilar. For example, one may be a quiet stay-at-home friend,
another an outspoken political strategist, still another a wisecracking
socialite. But your relationships with these three will have a few things in
common, even if at first glance these qualities aren’t obvious. Going back to
the pals above -- which, okay, are my pals -- I have to point out that all
three are wildly independent people who are also pee-your-pants funny. And… not
the best dressers.
This is where I do love well, and
luckily in a few years and years of badly managed romance interactions, I will
meet my life partner, who shares all these same traits. Understanding that not
only are you -- like everybody else -- absolutely, positively capable of love,
but also that you are awesome at it with certain, very specific people
gives you confidence, yes. But it also really narrows down the field. After
all, how many funny, independent guys wearing seersucker spring pants and a
pinstriped summer jacket can you find at any one rooftop cocktail party?
3. How do I look when I’m sitting
alone -- but interested in sitting with somebody else?
Perhaps you’ve gotten this advice:
Go to a restaurant alone and eat dinner. Or: Go to a movie alone. The rationale
behind these directives is that men who are at these venues and are also alone
will see you, feel comfortable and come over to say hello. It may even be that
I was the one who gave it to you.
But here’s the catch. As a
lobbyist, I tend to travel for functions all the time alone. I strode into
hotels from Texas to the North Pole, plopped down at the bar, ordered a glass
of oaky-yet-overpriced Chardonnay and met… exactly no one.
My friend Jane (for sake of
privacy), on the other hand, can go to bar and meet someone in about 10
minutes. This is not because she is prettier, funnier or sexier than I am. It’s
because of the expression on her face. She looks relaxed. She looks open, if
not ready to laugh at the world’s dumbest joke. I look like I have a lot of
stuff to do, stuff that requires me to choke back that wine and get right back
to business in five minutes. It’s a facial expression I picked up to keep
luridly friendly strangers on the street from striking up conversations about,
say, my derriere.
The truth is that for much of our
lives as humans we’re told to not talk to strangers, on the street or
anywhere else. Even decades later, this training is hard to undo. You don’t
have to give the men around you bedroom eyes and pout your lips. Then again, you
also don’t have to look stressed, exhausted, closed and annoyed. You can take a
minute -- think of the time your sibling mistook your glue stick for Chapstick
-- and smile, genuinely.
4. What do I never have to do
again?
There are some perks to being a
grownup. You don’t have to do everything for love… or even just for dating. You
don’t have to go to lunch if you can’t stand long, lingering meals in the
middle of the day that take you away from your hugely demanding, fast-paced
job. You don’t have to go on blind dates with men who send you an email to
arrange the time and date. You don’t have to go to yet another Oscar-night
party at your friend’s house, where you and one guy are the only single people
there and subject to all the other couples’ suggestions that the two of you set
up the cheese platter together… in the kitchen… alone.
To meet somebody, you may have to
do some stuff you don’t want to. But you don’t have to do those one or
two things (note: one or two) things you loathe. You don’t have
to feel guilty or defensive about not doing them, either. Taking part in
dinners and activities you do like makes it, well, all the more likely that
you’ll have a good time in your pursuit of romance -- and nothing is more
attractive than happiness.
5. What heartbreaks have I saved
myself from?
As time goes on, it gets tempting
to just settle down with the guy who’d make a good father. Or the guy who will
never leave you. Or the guy who all your friends like. Or the loyal, wise
adorable guy with the big, fat heroin habit. Should you decide to go this
route, it’s true that you won’t eat dinner alone. But being in a relationship
with somebody you don’t love is like dipping your loneliness in chocolate. Once
you get past the candy coating, it’s still there, only magnified, because
you’re going to sleep next to somebody who doesn’t know the real you, because
you can’t ever show him, because you can’t ever love him, which is the
loneliest feeling in the world.
You may console yourself every day
that at least you’ve got kids or the joint account. But you may also get
divorced. Or you may go on, despair turning into seething silent rage and
depression.
My point is: When every clumsy
friend or family member offers help in the form of wildly misguided criticism
(e.g., you have impossible standards, you don't really want to be in a
relationship, blah, blah, blah), please try to take a minute and congratulate
yourself for not willingly being the cause of your own unhappiness. You have
insisted and trusted in your own ability to find your own damn joy, to
live a life based on the things you want, and you may just get it one day --
due to your refusal of those you don’t.
Be blessed,
DC Southern Gent
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