Holding my Head Up: Ten Foot Stilettos

I have received immense feedback regarding my recent post.  Most of which never knew that I was experiencing so many of the same emotions as them.  Well folks, I'm human just like y'all.  One of my good friends told me that out of all of his friends, I hold it together the best. So well that no one would ever know that I was traveling against the grain battling so many of life's hardships and pains.

I can only hold it together for so long until everything crumbles like a Jenga tower.  Over the past few days my phone, email, and Facebook inbox has been inundated with messages stating that they saw my ex and someone that I thought was just a "friend" of my ex being intimate in a public setting.  Most did not know that we were no longer together and were sharing this information with me for my own awareness.  While others I feel may have been doing this out of spite and hatred.  Either way, that Jenga tower is swaying left and right.  I keep asking myself, "How could he move on so quickly?" Was he seeing this person while we were together?  Was this person plotting the entire time to break-up our relationship? Was the love he proclaimed ever genuine?  Well, I have to tell myself that the moments I shared with him were good and I can not fester over the ending.

When I use the words "men" and "rebound" in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren't the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.

So, what causes men to move on so quickly from a breakup with you to the arms of another person? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn't at all broken up about your breakup, that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, "Another One Bites The Dust." Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong.

You see, when men invest emotionally in a relationship, their feelings run as deeply as yours, whether they show it or not. So, when their relationship crumbles, it causes a huge emotional void. Unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can't cry to their friends, seek solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of "Rocky Road."

If they thought that kind of behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and "walking it off" are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male "comrades-in-arms."

So, what's a guy to do? He's hurting, but he can't tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam to dull his pain (he preferred Mark West Pinot Noir). Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship.

How does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotionally and sexually. And, the sooner, the better, for it is this new person who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled man that he is supposed to be. He or she facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.

The speed in which a man moves from a bitter breakup to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he's feeling -- the deeper the hurt, the quicker the hookup. I guess that says a lot for my ego eh? So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your breakup, don't write him off as a horny, uncaring, trollop. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who's to judge?

Be Blessed.

DC Southern Gent.